And now the end is near, and so we face the final King curtain. It’s been a hell of a ride, but like all good journeys, we’ve finally reached our destination. Or swerved sharply off the road and crashed into the afterlife. Either or.
At times our trip has been a real beast of burden (wink-wink-Christine-wink), but there’s been a few good times along the way, and even a few great times.
So now let’s park up, order the popcorn and tune in to the radio for one last showing at the King drive-in theatre.
Nothing more comfortable than being home; in a time where everything has a hashtag and any idiot can run a worldwide superpower. That’s right kids, it’s the #SoLit NOW!
Before we start, I just wanted to give a notable mention to Haven (2010-15) for being loosely inspired by King’s short story ‘The Colorado Kid’. Sorry y’all, but you didn’t quite cut it. If you’re looking for a consolation prize, like ol’ Jack Burton says “the check is in the mail.”
Children of the Corn: Genesis – 2011
A reboot of the bestest horror series in the whole wide world. Y’know, the universally celebrated and generally remembered Children of the Corn? Yeah. Of course you know.
Verdict: Bad – Honest to god, I don’t know why the HELL these god damn mind-numbingly stupid movies keep getting made.
Bag of Bones – 2011
A story about James Bond getting writer’s block by a lake. Oh, and nightmares, the spirit of his dead wife and local looney disease are all kinda driving him crazy.
Verdict : Shrug – Better as a book, but Bag of Bones deserves praise for trying desperately to faithfully adapt its source material.
Carrie – 2013
Ah yes, the ol’ ‘my mum keeps me locked up and the mean kids dropped blood all over my pretty dress and I have psychic powers’ chestnut. Carrie returns (again) for ANOTHER go round the big screen.
Verdict: Bad – Instead of making a genuine attempt at a film, the people responsible for this just ticked all the ‘tween horror movie’ checklists on the back of their cereal boxes.
Under The Dome – 2013-15
A TV series about a town full of people that suddenly become trapped beneath a massive translucent dome. Heeeeeeyyyyyyy…..didn’t The Simpson’s Movie do that first?
Verdict: Shrug – No offense to people who actually like this show…but who are we kidding? Good premise, but painfully boring.
A Good Marriage – 2014
The tale of what it truly takes to keep a good marriage going. Because when you love someone you overlook the little flaws; like the way they chew their food, how they snore, or how they commit multiple homicides.
Verdict: Shrug – This is dangerously close to not-recommended, but Anthony LaPaglia manages to pull it back from the brink of total disaster.
Mercy – 2014
Starring CORAL Grimes himself from The Walking Dead, Mercy is based on the short story ‘Gramma’. It’s the heartwarming tale of a mother and her two sons, and their visit with grandma. Except Grandma’s into some satanic shit.
Verdict: Shrug – This is yet another serviceable-but-stupid movie that seems to be churned out of the cinema meatgrinder.
Big Driver – 2014
A Lifetime movie about a woman being brutally raped, beaten and left for dead? Oh wait, it’s all that AND a revenge movie? Wow, that’s a great big bag of what-the-hell for Lifetime.
Verdict: Bad – Its bizarre sensationalizing of sexual assault and ‘you go girl’ vengeance just comes off as if somebody’s immature teenage cousin helmed this trainwreck.