Welcome back for part two of the Month of King! Last time we covered the gruesome 80’s, but to quote The Carpenters (and one particularly evil hotel room), “we’ve only just begun.” So hop in my vintage Plymouth Fury – don’t worry, she won’t bite – and as Limp Bizkit would say, let’s keep ‘rollin, rollin, rollin, rollin’.
Our next destination on the Stephen King highway is a familiar one for me, considering I grew up there.
You see this is the story all about how my childhood got ripped, skinned upside down.
So I’d like to take a minute, though I don’t really care.
I’ll tell you how Stephen became the King of a town called Bel Air.
Or Derry, Maine. Who cares, it’s the wicked 90’s! Let’s get off the heasy with this mofo!
Tales From The Dark Side: The Movie – (1990):
Okay, so only the short segment “Cat from Hell” is from King, so maybe this doesn’t deserve to be here. To that one guy who actually cared if this made an appearance, you’re welcome.
Verdict: Bad – as a whole. Tales from the Dark Side is already a stupid movie, but this particular part is really stupid.
Graveyard Shift – (1990):
Based on a classic short story penned by King in the 70’s, Graveyard Shift follows a group of men trying to clean an ooky, spooky mill basement of its rodent problem. But they pretty quickly discover a pest waaay above their pay grade.
Verdict: Shrug – I mean, it’s got Brad Dourif in it?
It – (1990):
Ah, yes. Now we come to the grand mac-daddy of miniseries’ that everyone remembers being a movie. IT is the classic tale of young kids growing up in a town full of braindead adults…with a clown monster that lives in the sewers who likes to eat/kill children and send people insane. You know, like The Sandlot.
Verdict: Shrug – Sorry, but anyone who tells you this is good is lying to you. IT is saved by Tim Curry and decent child actors, everything else is slow, dull and painfully boring.
Hey, remember when Stephen King wrote about being kidnapped by a crazed fan who demanded he write his books a certain way? No? Oh good, I’m glad no one saw me do that. Oh yeah. And Misery is basically about the same thing. Weird, huh?
Verdict: Thumbs up! – Although a little plod-along at times, Misery is actually one of the better King films.
Sometimes they come back – (1991):
This made-for-tv movie tells the story of a dude that moves home (man, Stephen King likes that setup, huh?) and proceeds to be harassed endlessly by a 1960’s greaser gang. And not the cool Greased Lightning kind.
Verdict: bad – It’s automatic. Systematic. Craaaaaap-o-matic. Why it’s Greased Garbage! *Greased Garbage, goooo Greased Garbage*
Sleepwalkers – (1992):
Ever noticed all the cats in the neighbourhood congregating outside that one weird neighbour’s house? Maybe that’s because they’re weird, shape-shifting cat vampires. Or maybe it’s because they’re incestuous, weird, shape-shifting cat vampires. Dunno. Cats be cray.
Verdict: Thumbs up! – This movie is so, so, SO bad that it’s kind of amazing. You owe it to yourself to watch this marvellous dumpster fire.
Pet Sematary Two – (1992):
Another day, another animated corpse shenanigan. Pet Sematary Two brings us back to the Micmac because somebody thought this idea still had some life left in it.
Verdict: Shrug – This is actually a little more entertaining than the first one, if only because it has that 90’s cheese charm.
Children of the Corn II: The final sacrifice – (1992):
The first and last Children of the Corn sequel to get a theatrical release. The final sacrifice is sadly not the final movie in this series, but is instead the story of more cultism, more murderous children, and more corn.
Verdict: Bad – God knows why anyone thought Children of the Corn was good enough to spawn more lacklustre follow ups.
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