Fifty Shades of Black

When I was young I did find myself watching the early Scary Movie’s, from the film series that made fun of horror film tropes as well as the successful films of that time. No movie was off limits and the cast was full of great comedic talent (Scary Movie 2 featured David Cross after all). So, it disappoints me greatly that Fifty Shades of Black feels like a bad rip off of the Scary Movie films and yet features the main creative of those movies. Maybe I have just grown up or maybe it’s that Marlon Wayans hasn’t.

By looking at the title, one can immediately recognise the film that is being lampooned, and that is last year’s Fifty Shades of Grey which seems a little too easy. It’s like the lowest hanging fruit, and the film does absolutely nothing with the plot. It feels like neither the best possible joke for the moment nor even a joke that lands. Opening up Mr. Grey’s play room in the original film led to a room full of sexual objects, in this film the door was unlocked by rapidly inserting the key in and out. If that sounds funny to you, then congrats you have a solid 90 minutes of that.

This film actually gave me some respect for Dakota Johnson from the original Fifty Shades of Grey, whose low speaking dominated Anastasia Steele may have been a weak character, but Dakota never allowed the performance to be a joke on her as a performer. Whereas Kali Hawk spends much of this movie simulating sex scenes in bigger and bigger situations long past the point of being remotely humorous. A scene where she deep throats in a store didn’t make me laugh, just made me wonder how Director Michael Tiddes convinced her this would be funny.

 

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Furthermore, Marlon Wayans has never been more awful to watch, and yes I am counting Little Man in this statement. Marlon’s Christian is vapid and cruel with absolutely no purpose. I know that the character he is originally working from is not much better, but it still felt like a 12 year old saying sexual jokes that he was too young to actually understand. Sure, not getting sex gives you blue balls, funny observation for the character, but when he brings out his over sized blue balls it’s not a joke anymore, it’s a shameless attempt at shock.

There isn’t much more to say about this movie. If the Fifty Shades book was originally just bad fan fiction of Twilight, then this is like a bad drunk night out with portions of the terrible film script. I wouldn’t have finished this movie had I not had to review it.

SUMMARY: Fifty Shades of Black manages to out awful the very movie it’s ripping off, to create an absolutely mind numbing assault to all of the senses for 90 straight and unbearable minutes.

SCORE: 10%

Fifty Shades of Black is now available digitally and on DVD.  Full details can be found on the Entertainment One website here.

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